Judge Turns Stay-At-Home Dad Into
Every-Other-Weekend Dad
Lee's story...
After getting married, I gave up a full-time job as a college professor in Southern
California to move to the Central Valley, where my new wife had been offered a job.
After moving, I was only able to find work teaching part-time, one or two classes per
semester. When my wife gave birth to our first and only child, I became a stay-at-home Dad. I loved my daughter more than life itself. I changed most of her diapers, gave most of the baths, and spent most of my waking hours with her.
My wife said that it was not fair for me to spend so much time with the baby, and for her to be the primary breadwinner. When I got offered a full-time job at a college in the Bay Area, she said we’d move and she would be a stay-at-home Mom. But after I accepted the job and rented us an apartment, she said she wanted a divorce instead.
She told me that it was important for me to continue to spend as much time as possible with our daughter. I agreed. She suggested that I stay at the Bay Area apartment 2-3 nights per week, and spend the rest of the time at our home in the Central Valley.
I did this for 6 months, until she announced that I could only see my daughter a few weekends per month. When I said that I would not agree to this, she called up a male “friend,” let him into the house, and while I was feeding our daughter, he cursed at me and threatened to beat me up. I called the police, but they said they were too busy to send an officer. Somehow, I managed to get the guy out of the house without violence.
A few days later, I found that my wife and one-year-old daughter had disappeared. No cell phone calls or emails were returned.
The police and the DA wouldn’t help. They said my wife had filed for a domestic violence restraining order. Shocking. I had never laid a finger on her (although she had on me).
I was barred from entering my house. When she finally returned home a week later, I rang the doorbell, but she wouldn’t come to the door. Instead, she called the police. They arrived almost immediately. What a difference it makes if the caller is a woman!
In court, my wife claimed falsely that my daughter had a medical condition that prevented her from traveling to the Bay Area. Because I no longer had access to our residence in the Central Valley, the court denied me overnight visits. I was allowed to drive 200 miles round-trip a few times per week to visit my daughter, who would remain in her mother’s care.
At the next hearing, I brought a letter from my daughter’s doctor that there was no medical reason she could not travel to the Bay Area. Also, the restraining order application was thrown out because the alleged “domestic violence” was that I’d raised my voice and slammed the door.
You’d think that the judge would punish my ex for making false accusations. California Family Code Sec. (a)(1) states: “In making an order granting custody to either parent, the court shall consider, among other factors, which parent is more likely to allow the child frequent and continuing contact with the noncustodial parent… and shall not prefer a parent as custodian because of that parent's sex.” But the Family Code also gives the judge almost unlimited power to decide what is “in the best interest of the child.” In my case, the judge decided that it was in the child’s best interest to live with her mother, and to see me every other weekend.
Four years have passed. I’m on the edge of bankruptcy because my debts from legal expenses are nearly twice my annual income. I can no longer afford a lawyer, but I still have to go to court, alone, some half a dozen times per year.
The judge complains that he’s sick of seeing my ex and me in his courtroom, as if the fault is equally shared between us. When my ex refused for months on end to attend court-ordered co-parenting counseling sessions, the judge removed the order for co-parenting counseling. Each time I complain that, contrary to the judge’s order, my ex is denying me phone contact with my daughter, the judge says that kids her age don’t speak much on the phone anyway. When I changed my work schedule so that I would be available to spend more time with daughter, the judge refused to change the visitation schedule. I asked the judge three times what I could do to be granted more time with my daughter. Each time, the judge refused to answer my question.
My daughter tells me that she gets punished if she’s talking to me on the phone and fails to hang up when her mother commands. One day, perhaps, my daughter will decide that having a relationship with me is too stressful, and will cut off contact with me. Parental alienation syndrome is all-too common in the US. But I hope my daughter has the courage to have a father, despite all the forces trying to deprive her of one.
