EX-SPOUSE ACCUSED YOU OF EMOTIONAL, MENTAL, OR OTHER TYPES OF ABUSE?
READ THIS BOOK!
They’re Your Kids Too
The Single Father’s Guide to Defending
Your Fatherhood
in a Broken Family Law System
Anne P. Mitchell, Esq.**
cpyr. 2011, Anne P. Mitchell, Attorney at Law.
[Excerpt reprint permission pending.]
From Chapter Two – The Truth About False Allegations of Abuse or Misconduct
False allegations of abuse…or other misconduct such as alcoholism, drug use, or other illegal conduct, by one parent against the other, is an increasingly common weapon in the divorce and custody arsenal. A false allegation is the perfect weapon. It is simple, fast, and guaranteed to achieve the desired result: the complete removal of the targeted parent from the child’s and the accusing parent’s life, along with a moral vindication or victory for the accusing parent.
Why Do People Make False Allegations of Abuse or Other Misconduct?
Many experts and family law practitioners believe that the increase in false allegations of abuse in the divorce and custody context are a direct result of the move to “no-fault” divorce.
Years ago one had to prove “fault” in order to get a divorce. In other words, one spouse had to prove that the other had either cheated on them, abandoned them, or was in some other way at fault for the breakdown of the marriage. This led to some rather contrived situations, with one spouse arranging for the other spouse to “find” them in a compromising situation, so that proof of “fault” could then be offered to the court.
Most states have since done away with this fault-based concept of divorce. Many believed that this change would lead to a kinder, gentler system of divorce.
Unfortunately, the advocates of no-fault divorce failed to take one thing into account: human nature. For the most part, people want to be able to point the finger of blame. The fault-based system of divorce allowed the divorce-seeker their proverbial day in court, and an opportunity to prove to the world what a no good so-and-so their spouse was. It gave them a sense of vindication.
By contrast, the no-fault type system of divorce has no such element of good guy versus bad. In many cases, one can get a divorce based on “irreconcilable differences.” Other states have other, similarly innocuous grounds. There is no longer an opportunity for finger pointing and blame-laying. No longer a path to vindication.
Enter the false allegation of abuse. In one fell swoop the accusing parent can go back to a fault-based system of divorce and achieve utter vindication. With one, unsubstantiated accusation they can often get the targeted spouse completely out of their and their children’s lives, and can ensure themselves complete custodial control. And with that one allegation they will completely destroy the other parent’s life, and any semblance of a normal relationship between the other parent and their children. As one victim of a false allegation of abuse describes: “It changed everything. My marriage was destroyed. I couldn’t see my kids for three months until a psychological evaluation was done. Even after that, I could see my kids for only one hour per week up at the courthouse while a probation officer remained nearby. It was totally devastating.”
One Allegation, Many Victims
The relationship between a falsely accused parent and child is often not the only relationship which will suffer. Many falsely accused parents find that the allegation not uncoincidentally occurs right around the time that they start dating someone, or they remarry. Few relationships are able to withstand the doubt, confusion, legal battles, and expense brought about by an allegation of abuse.
Business and employment relationships also suffer under the strain of a false allegation of abuse….
Other consequences of the false allegation may, and often do, include loss of reputation, loss of one’s standing in the community, and of course financial hemorrhage. The cost to defend a false allegation may run to the tens of thousands of dollars…
Even for those who can financially afford to deal with a false allegation, the damage to one’s reputation, both professionally and personally, can be immeasurable.
The parent targeted with a false allegation is truly a victim in every sense of the word. But the accused parent is not the only victim of the false allegation. For all the pain and devastation which is heaped upon the accused parent, there is often at least as much visited upon the children.
These children will find themselves suddenly ripped from their relationship with the accused parent as surely as if the parent had died; in some ways it is worse than if the parent had died. When a parent dies, a child can usually expect comfort and support from their remaining parent. However the child whose relationship with the targeted parent is destroyed by a false accusation usually finds that the remaining parent is most unsympathetic to the child’s loss. After all, it is a loss which the remaining parent …orchestrated. Instead of sympathy for the child’s loss, the accusing parent will often vilify the other parent in front of the child (“Don’t you remember that your father did such and such? How could you want to see him?”) More insidious yet, the child who lives with a falsely accusing parent is often put in the position of having to pledge allegiance to the accusing parent, sometimes by denouncing, or even implicating, the accused parent. Some children will do this knowingly, but many are too young to even understand this game. Being trusting and malleable, as young children are, they will come to adopt the accusing parent’s version of what allegedly occurred. In the child’s mind, the accused parent becomes as guilty as if the abuse had actually happened.
Thus, not only has the false accusation created a victim of the targeted parent, but also it will often victimize the child as surely as if the alleged abuse had actually occurred. And the victimization doesn’t stop there…
Why Is It Still So Easy to Haul Out This Weapon of Mass Destruction?
Given the magnitude of devastation which can occur, both for the accused parent and the child, in a false allegation scenario, why has so little been done to address the issue of false allegations of abuse?
One problem is that it is very difficult to prove that the accuser knowingly made a false accusation – that is, that they knew that it was untrue. For this reason, false allegations usually go unpunished, even in jurisdictions where the law specifically provides sanctions against such actions. Plus, almost anything can be twisted to appear to be a credible basis or an accusation.
**Anne P. Mitchell is a nationally recognized father’s rights attorney and spokesperson. One of the first fathers’ rights attorneys in the country, Anne is the founder of DadsRight.org and a leading advocate for children of divorce to have a strong relationship with both parents, even in a social and legal climate that often seeks to reduce fathers to weekend “visitors.”
With more than 20 years’ experience in fathers’ rights, Anne has been invited to speak and consult about fathers’ rights issues with judges, state legislators, social workers, and family court workers. Her DadsRights.org website is one of the top fathers’ right sites on the Internet, and more than 12,000 fathers have benefitted from the material and advice that is now available to the public (in her book).
cpyr. 2011, Anne P. Mitchell, Attorney at Law. [Excerpt reprint permission pending.]
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